Through The Eyes of Chad

My journey living with HIV, Addiction, Loss and Hope

Why have I gotten so far away from the ability to be vulnerable…

February 16, 2018

“How do you feel so empty? That you wanna let it all go?  How do you get that lonely, and nobody know?”  These are lyrics from a song by Blaine Larsen.  It’s interesting since I have lost my mom, I have felt myself slip into that sort of darkness for brief moments.  

My life today is filled with so many great things and great people, yet I can be in a room full of people and feel completely alone.  My mind is a dangerous place. Anyone who knows me that I am typically always keeping myself busy. I think Fernando knows this the best.  Especially on weekends.  I literally go crazy and get anxious if I am not busy doing something.  I have always been like this, but it seems to be getting worse and worse.  I have thought a lot about why that might be and I believe that its truly because I am building up more and more that I am trying to hide from.  

I know that I can’t be the only one out there that has felt like this.  I used to think that losing my mom would lead me back to drugs.  The crazy thing now with my mom being gone a month and a half I have really no desire to go back to using.  I have a very clear mind that choosing to pick up again will not make me feel better in fact it will make me feel worse. 

So I have the clarity today to know that the thing that used to take away the pain will cause the pain. So where does that leave me?  I have traded an addiction with drugs for emotional eating, for controlling and compulsive behavior.  Yet that doesn’t make me happy either.  Again, where does that leave me? I know when I do nothing which is basically where I have been for some time now, it just gets worse and worse to the point where I am feeling desperately in despair and alone.  

So in a moment of weakness, or maybe strength last weekend I broke down.  All of it came flooding out even if for a brief few moments and I finally told Fernando how fucked up in my head I was feeling. How it was really dark and lonely.  How I had even had brief thoughts of hurting myself. (Let me insert here I am not suicidal at all and I will not hurt myself). But that doesn’t mean the thoughts don’t come sometimes.  

I struggle so much with the fear of being vulnerable, I often don’t tell anyone how much I am struggling.  I think that is why I write, because it is a safe way to get all of that stuff out.  But that’s not working this time around.  I have to do more, I have to fight harder and I have to not give a crap about what people will think of me.

When I got clean from drugs, I bled my soul out. I bared everything out in the open trying to get rid of all of the guilt and shame that I held inside.  That brutal honesty with myself allowed me to pave a path forward. Why have I gotten so far away from the ability to be vulnerable and honest with myself.