Through The Eyes of Chad

My journey living with HIV, Addiction, Loss and Hope

Another Mother’s Day…



 It is hard to believe that another Mother’s Day has come and you aren’t here. There were so many times over the years, where I took this day for granted. Since you left me a year and a half ago, I have and continue to go through one of the hardest times of my life. I always thought getting clean from drugs and dealing with that wreckage was the worst thing I could ever experience. Don’t get me wrong it was horrible and freeing in a whole different way. The funny thing is, that the constant in my life, which helped me through so much during the time right after you left us, now seems like it may not be a for sure thing.  

Being alone, whether physically, mentally, or spiritually while navigating grief and loss is one of the scariest things I have ever experienced. Every day is either a high or low and there are some days where I get consumed and give the fear and anxiety power over me and it gets really dark. But there are other days where I acknowledge it, name it, and face it and that is really powerful.

The loss of my mother, will never go away. I never really understood how much I relied and trusted her with my deepest darkest details. I never realized that until I could no longer call her and talk to her about things. For a person who really struggles with the courage to be vulnerable, and I mean truly vulnerable this is a really scary fact. I can write on here and share all of these things and it sometimes helps, but there is a big difference between sending it out to the world and talking to someone you truly trust one on one and them telling you it will all be okay.

Never assume things can’t change, because they will. For me the key is changing with them.  Every day I have a choice to give all things space in my mind.  They only have the power to consume me, if I allow it.  Each day I try to give the space to positive things versus dark things.  I don’t always succeed at that, but I know that on those days that might be all I am capable of and that is okay.  I work to love myself every day to accept the fact that I deserve happiness. That I deserve love. That I deserve empathy and compassion.  Above all I else I work to accept the fact that I worthy of all of those things and that has to start with me allowing myself to be happy, me loving myself,  and giving myself empathy and compassion.