Through The Eyes of Chad

My journey living with HIV, Addiction, Loss and Hope

Acceptance Seems Impossible, At Least For Now

March 9, 2018

I am lost. I feel like I keep sliding. Each passing day it hurts more and more. I thought time was supposed to heal all wounds.  My thoughts get darker and darker especially when I am alone.

I never imagined losing my mom would hurt like this.  I always thought it would be the thing that lead me back to using.  I am grateful that it hasn’t, but it seems to have just bypassed the using which at least would mask the pain, to the ultimate despair that can creep in.

I know people read this blog and I feel like I should state for the record, while I am at times in a very dark place, I am not going to hurt myself.  I would be lying if I said I haven’t had passing thoughts about giving up.  But, when I get to that place I reach out to my partner, who listens, and loves me even if he can’t fix whats wrong with me.  

Last night, I lay in bed thinking about my mom, I even tried talking to her as my grandma has suggested.  I don’t feel like she is listening.  I don’t know if she is even there, wherever there may be.    Someone recently spoke to me about the different bodies we posses and when we leave the physical body, there is other bodies that we remain in.  They told me that when someone who has passed comes to you in a dream that is there other being communicating to you.  I wish my mom would come to me in my dreams. I wish she would take away the pain, the way she used to. 

On Monday, I start with a new therapist. It has been a good number of years, since I have seen a therapist.  But, the beauty of having been through the dark, despair in the past I have the clarity to know when I can’t do it on my own.  I have reached that point, where I know that I am not going to get better on my own.  So, I am grateful for that clarity and I am grateful that people who I work with helped me find someone that takes my insurance so I can get the support and help I need to find a way to heal. 

My mom will always be my rock.  It feels like she is just away on a trip or something. I know shes dead, but even trying to accept that seems impossible, at least for now.