Through The Eyes of Chad

My journey living with HIV, Addiction, Loss and Hope

What the hell is wrong with me?

November 5, 2018|STRENGTH, COURAGE, ANXIETY The past week and a half have been some of the hardest, scariest, and rewarding days I have experienced in a very long time.  Tomorrow, November 6th, is my mom’s first birthday since passing away.  It has been looming painfully in my background for some Read more…


After So Many Years…Why is it so hard?

October 3, 2018 It has been over 8 years since I fled California.  It is interesting to think about it now. At the time nothing was clear, but today I can say I was fleeing.  I was running away from myself. I was running away from the very real destruction Read more…


It’s My Birthday

05/31/2018 My story corp experience was a tough one for me. I talked a lot about my parents struggles and I have always been afraid to really share this publicly because I do not want anyone to think badly of my mom or dad. Or, be angry with me for Read more…


Is true strength holding it together?

April 15, 2018 “Anyone can give up, it’s the easiest thing to do.  But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that’s true strength”   This quote has always stood out to me.  I think we are taught that strength comes when we can Read more…


Acceptance Seems Impossible, At Least For Now

March 9, 2018 I am lost. I feel like I keep sliding. Each passing day it hurts more and more. I thought time was supposed to heal all wounds.  My thoughts get darker and darker especially when I am alone. I never imagined losing my mom would hurt like this. Read more…


Why have I gotten so far away from the ability to be vulnerable…

February 16, 2018 “How do you feel so empty? That you wanna let it all go?  How do you get that lonely, and nobody know?”  These are lyrics from a song by Blaine Larsen.  It’s interesting since I have lost my mom, I have felt myself slip into that sort Read more…


Roller Coaster Of A Day

January 26, 2018 Today has been a really rough day for a number of reasons and really no reason at all.  The emotion that lays right beneath the surface keeps trying to find ways to destroy my mind.   I have been reading this book called good grief and there Read more…


You Are Never Prepared

January 19, 2018 The last words I heard from my mother were “Come back home”. Those are the words seared into my mind. All my mom wanted was for me to come back to Salt Lake to be with her. I had only left two days before. Little did I Read more…


Gratitude & The Start of my Addiction

“Life is not about you, Your life is about all of the people around you. Your life is about all the people you can touch. All the people you can impact. All the people you can influence. All the people you can love. All the people that love you. That Read more…